BREAK!

So I've been working on my latest project all morning, and it's given me a headache. I've been messing tooo hard with it. I want to make mashups of riot grrrl bands with old school hip hop, and maybe some new school beats as well, but like any project, i want it to come off absolutely perfect on my first try, so I keep abandoning things that aren't mindblowingly awesome on the first go. Sigh. so i'm gona write about how hard it is to be perfectionist for a while. I think it's a sick form of masochism. Totally irrational, completely self demeaning, and absolutely tiring. If i was my own boss I'd be making snide remarks behind my back by now.
today i'm tired. i have lots to complain about and don't want to be the debby at the downer party. i think i'm gona keep to myself, make some more mediocre mashups, bake some bread, and get more sleep. oh, and go to calculus class. yee!
i've become really obsessive about checking my email today, mostly because i've sent off resumes to a few restaurants and i'm hoping someone will find me hirable. i do like working at the cafe, but i find myself worrying about money much more often than i'd like to. right now, i'm hoping zachary's will hire me back. it may seem like a step back, but i don't think it is. what's wrong with wanting to make more money at a place where i already know everyone and work well?
i bought a tarot deck at the anarchist book fair that i'm really happy with. that's been my other brand new loveable toy. i had been searching around for a bit for a tarot deck, but didn't really want any that i saw. this one's printed by eberhardt press, a rad publishing company? collective? group of kids? from pdx. the cards are designed by rad queers from up there, and feature gender neutral/gender transgressive folk. need i say more?
i've been listening to a loooot of tlc and destiny's child lately.. not as much as i did when i was a teen, but enough. when u mix them up with sleater kinney and bikini kill i find they compliment each other pretty well in some awesomely weird way. Maybe i should throw in some ooooold yeah yeah yeahs and some clash. then it'll be my highschool music playlist.
i've been thinking a lot about highschool, and how i totally sold myself out around junior year. i think a lot of that had to do with being told that i should just get used to being a loner, because that's what i'd be. i couldn't accept that at the time. what 15 year old wants to hear that even though they can't connect with people around them, and even though all they want to do is connect with people around them, they might as well get used to it, because that's their lot? yeah, though so.
i've spent a lot of time trying not to be a loner. it's been a fun, debaucherous, self- depricating, crazy time. seven years of binge drinking and lascivious grinding. i loved it. but i think that's coming to an end now. i want to use all that energy i put into that life into something else. and it's HARD. changing habits is tough. i find i can't use most of the 'tools' i took for granted for so long. so i'm stressed out more often. and i'm moody more often. and i feel bad for my housemates for having to deal with me letting go of smoking. i'm hoping by april i will be on a better role.
pros of not smoking:
-i smell better
-i'm not stuffed up
-i'm saving 10 bucks a week
-im facing the things that stress me out
-my persistent cough vanished!